Wayne Rooney’s unusual solution for Manchester United’s ills

“Put a ****ing firework up their arses.”

Wayne Rooney on his cure for Manchester United’s ills. It could work, you know.

NUMBER: 4.5

That’s how many billion (in Euros) Fifa made from ticket sales at last summer’s World Cup, over five times more than in the previous tournament. Truly, dynamic pricing works a treat.

Football prodigies keep getting younger

There was a bit of a to-do in Florida last week when the police were called to a football game, the complainant, who dialled 911, alleging that the mother of one of the players was being “really, really disruptive”.

The Ma denied that charge, claiming that the issue was the treatment of her son who, she said, was being discriminated against because he was so much better than the rest of the players on the pitch.

She later posted clips of him making minced meat of the opposition, slaloming through them with ease. In the course of the 30-game, he scored 10 goals in almost as many minutes, but was taken off because, well, he was humiliating the opposition.

The police arrived and calmed the situation, but the upshot is that the boy’s parents have withdrawn him from the league he was playing in and are looking for a new home for his talents. They’ve even set up a GoFundMe “to cover registration fees, training, equipment, uniforms and travel expenses” for him to continue developing his talent in a “more supportive setting”. Thus far, it’s raised $65,000.

You can only wish the lad, Nevada Pierre, well. How old is he? Eh, three.

WORD OF MOUTH

“We are not in Disneyland. We are in the Premier League.”

Mikel Arteta with a Mickey Mouse defence of his mega mean treatment of 16-year-old Max Dowman after he was sent off against Fleetwood in the League Cup.

“Pick my spot, hit top corner and run like ****.”

Fleetwood Town’s Conor Haughey on his simple recipe for scoring that winning penalty against Arsenal and celebrating thereafter. Sky Sports were worn out apologising.

“Harry has only three days left on the pitch, so we gave him the award.”

Lamine Yamal’s uncle Abdul suggesting that Harry Kane only won the Ballon d’Or because, well, he’s very old.

Forest Green’s serene sanctuary fails to pay off

Forest Green Rovers have long since been the least favourite football club of the more Tory-leaning papers in England, because, as the Daily Mail put it last week, they’re “WOKE!” Owned by green energy entrepreneur Dale Vince, they, rather famously, became the world’s first carbon-neutral, all-vegan club – the team’s kit is even made from recycled, sustainable materials.

Have they stopped there? Oh no. Their latest scheme has been the introduction of 60 plants and flowers and shrub-type things in to the dressingroom, making it look “more like an I’m A Celebrity ... Get Me Out of Here! set”, according to the Mail.

Why have they done this? Well, they’ve teamed up with Plants & Flowers Foundation Holland to test the theory that plants can be stress relievers.

“Turning a volatile pressure cooker into a green oasis, this provides visual proof of the grounding power of nature,” said the club’s statement. “If plants can tame the nerve-racking atmosphere of a sports dressingroom before kick-off, they can easily transform a chaotic home office, study space, or busy livingroom into a serene sanctuary.”

The “bespoke installation” was unveiled ahead of the team’s game against Harrogate Town on Saturday. How did they do? They threw away a two-goal lead, ended up drawing 2-2, making it just one win in their last seven games, leaving them 16th in the National League. Maybe they were struck down by hay fever?

MORE WORD OF MOUTH

“Surely he [Unai Emery] would want that opportunity to manage a giant again ... shut the **** up Villa fans. Aston Villa will never be Manchester United.”

Jamie Carragher somewhat incensing the Villa faithful by suggesting who should succeed Michael Carrick. (“Aston Villa will never be Manchester United”? Villa: “Pheeeeew.”).

“Aston Villa will initiate legal action against Jamie Carragher for his unacceptable insults about the club and its fans. Aston Villa will not allow anyone to stop our ascension in English and European football.”

Yes, Villa are now threatening to sue Carragher.

“I’d like to apologise to Aston Villa, the owners and their fans. My language this week was clumsy and wrong. I can assure Villa fans it was tongue in cheek but I can understand it’s not come across that way, so apologies.”

So, Carragher is trying to stay out of court. How bonkers is all of this? Very.